Slipping off the bed…

So this is Edward Bear, he is as old as I am as he was given to me when I was born and he has been with me ever since. He is threadbare (excuse the pun) and has been lovingly repaired by mum countless times; his paws, his mouth and nose and most recently he has even needed is head sewn back on! He is a constant presence in my bedroom now and has been all through my life.

When I was young and living at home with my family, I had a small but perfectly formed bedroom. This bedroom was filled with everything that was mine and precious to me: Edward Bear, my books, my stationery, my tape recorder and tapes (music and audio books carefully recorded from the radio, my record player and LPs and my other soft toys. As a young pre-teen and teen, this space was a place to retreat, to read, to play and to feel safe.

I have very profound memories of the comfort and safety I felt in my home and in this bedroom. One particular memory about this space has been revisiting my mind over these few strange days and weeks – it was about the way I would react to any occasional nightmares I had. My nightmares were generally nebulous and non-narrative but tended to wake me with chills and skin pricking fear. My response, I remember, was always to find the things in my room most dear to me (Edward Bear, my other soft toys, my favourite books, my tape recorder and tapes) and to pile them all onto the bed with me as far away from the edges as possible so that I could save them all and keep them close. I would end up with a mountain of objects in the middle of the bed and would then spend the rest of the night trying to stop any of them slipping of the bed. If at any point, as I turned over or moved slightly, something fell onto the floor, I would leap up to rescue it and bring it back to the safety of the bed centre.
This urge to protect and keep those items that I loved most in my room close to me during moments of terror is something that once again I am feeling, I cannot seem to scoop up all those so dear to me and draw them close and away from the edges. I am left with the urge to do so but I am stripped of the ability. I long to be in the same safe space with my loved ones so that I can protect and save them not just from the virus but from the threat of the virus.
Reflecting on this, I recognise that this reaction was not just about saving those that I loved from danger, but also about saving myself from the fear and isolation that the nightmares brought. I feel the same now.
So, I am not entirely sure how I will navigate these feelings in the coming weeks, but I do know that the God I love and trust in has said that I can throw all my fear and anxiety onto him in prayer and He will give me peace in return. And I have Edward Bear to cuddle!