So tonight, on my way home merrily listening to Jo Whiley on Radio 2 I found myself:
A) musing about baking cakes,
B) humming along to Ben Howard, and
C) contemplating the amazing couple of weeks holiday I had just had.
Really, I have had the best couple of weeks full of God stuff, friends, food, fun, wine, beer, sausages, sunshine and culture, topped off by a charming day with my two small nieces.
Then. Just at the end of the radio show, Jo played a clip from the Disney movie Aladdin. And I am crying, fully sobbing, trying to keep on driving past Preston Park. I am having to drive slowly, not just because of the sneaky traffic camera, but because I actually cannot see through the veil of tears.
I am struck by such a deep sadness that people like Robin Williams, someone who always made me so happy, can become himself so unhappy that the only way he could find to ease his pain was to end his own life. Goodness, if he only knew how my brother and I used to howl with laughter watching over and over again an old VHS tape of him live at the New York Met Opera House or how we used to greet each other with ‘nanoo, nanoo’, or how I wrote my best essay at university about the links between madness and spirituality based almost entirely on watching him as Oliver Sachs in Awakenings, or how moved I was by his performance in The Fisher King… I could go on and on
Fellow clown, Jim Carey allegedly said: “I wish everybody could get rich and famous and get everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that it is not the answer.” Robin was certainly rich and famous and in the eyes of the world, he was a success. An Oscar winner, a sold out stand up comic, a millionaire. The kind of life we would wish for if by chance we happened upon a magic lamp with an all powerful genie inside?
And yet…
He must have known how loved he was? Surely? The words from his fans, friends and most importantly his family all attest to this. I have never seen Facebook or twitter so lit up by the messages of sadness and shock at this man’s passing. Genuine loss has been felt by millions who never even met him, but have had their lives touched by him in some way. He was truly loved and adored.
And yet…
And so I am crying. In gratitude for my charmed life with its blessings and joys. In heartbreak for those, like Robin, in despair and who can’t see any light in their life. And for the loss of Robin Williams. RIP.
This Little Light of Mine 